Blind-sided

This weekend was so fun. We had a blast at Angela's party - we originally expected to be bored out of our minds, so it was a pleasant surprise that we had such a good time. Fuzz had entirely too much to drink though and was extremely ill the next day. I think his stomach is still a little queasy today actually.

When Fuzz gets drunk, he has a tendancy to make dramatic proclomations. This weekend was no exception. He dropped one hell of a bombshell on me and I'm still not sure how to react.

I wish I could go to someone for advice, but what he told me can never, ever, be repeated. Not to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. I suggested he go to therapy to talk about it and he thought it was a good idea Saturday night, but has since changed his mind. Maybe I should go to therapy to learn how to deal with it. Part of me is wondering if I should leave him. But I won't know how I truly feel about what he told me until some time has passed. Then I'll know if I can get over it and move on or if it will continually haunt me throughout the course of our marriage. I'm incredibly torn. Sometimes I'll just look at him and feel such a horrible pain inside, and sometimes I'll feel such sadness for him, and sometimes I just want to hold him and forget all about it. I just don't know what to do. Or what to think, or what to say.

It didn't help that today I found out that the clomid I took this cycle definitely did not work. I'm kind of in a haze after getting all this bad news within the past week. I think I just really need someone to talk to and I don't have anyone.

One bit of good news, I get to see B-dog on Sunday. I absolutely cannot wait. It'll be so good to see her, I'm sure I'll feel so much better. And I really can't wait to see Sophia. I miss them both so much.

Well I guess I should get back to work. Hopefully next time I write I'll actually feel GOOD about something.

Me 2.0

My life is in crumbles! LOL I'm sorry to be so dramatic... and to keep posting horrible, miserable rants about how depressed I am about this that or the other. I'm normally a quite happy and up-beat person. But when I get frustrated or upset or angry or whatever, it helps a lot to write. So there you have it - that's why my virtual tears end up over here.

This week has S.U.C.K.E.D. I have been perpetually let-down nearly every single day. That's what I get for getting my hopes up, I just set myself up for failure every single time, without fail. Ha! That's kinda funny. Without fail, I will always fail. Titter titter.

So. After shoving Hostess cupcakes in my mouth and locking myself in the private bathroom at work to cry, I've decided to devise a game plan to improve my life next year.

I will get a new job. One that pays better, because we are broke. And one that is day shift, so that I can be on a normal person's schedule, and go to school. Which brings me to number two. Go back to school. I've only taken one semester off, but the way the classes are set up for next semester, I'd have to take another semester off as well because of the crappy shift I work. Unless I take day-time classes, which I kind of don't trust myself to take. But we'll see. I'll look into it. Anyway, once I have a solid outline for my game plan, I will have to pitch this idea to my parents, for I simply cannot pay for the classes on my own. I hate asking them for money, I really and truly hate it, especially after they've done so much for me and since my dad is still trying to make money at his new job, but maybe if I stick to Tri-C it'll be okay. We'll see. I'll ask for it for Xmas I think.

What do you think???

Ugh, I suck... lol

I'm sitting at work, wasting away the last 20 minutes of the evening... and I am seriously depressing myself for no good reason at all!

I totally meant to go to my dr's appointment today... um... but I didn't. I slept in instead. I stretched out and puffed up the comforter on top of me and slept and slept. What a loser I am! Anyway, after being threatened my by internet friend Stephanie to reschedule, I did so for tomorrow morning. I vow to go to bed early tonight and wake up fresh and invigorated tomorrow morning for my appointment. I know I'm just setting myself up for disappointment though.

Which brings us to why I'm depressing myself today. I'm just sitting here thinking about everything... I know I'll get bad news tomorrow. Which is why I didn't go today. I don't want bad news any more. I'm sick of bad news. Bad news STINKS. So I avoided bad news today. But then Stephanie yelled at me. So I will get bad news tomorrow.

So I've been thinking about this tonight. And wondering... why do I even want a baby? My life's pretty good at the moment, fairly full. Two new kittens, a bad house-peeing puppy, a filthy husband who keeps me busy cleaning up after him, a full-time job, the occasional college course, Sunday dinner with my parents, and a drunk gay guy who frequently crashes on my couch. That's a lot of *stuff*. Why do I need a baby? So that I can wake up in the middle of the night to banchee screams? Only to have my nipple chewed off in order to appease the screamer? Or get my hands dirty with poopie and puke? Am I really so selfish that I can't feel complete until I have a mini-ME running around polluting this world? How awful of me. I can't even properly care for a child. Fuzz and I don't have enough money to give a baby the kind of life I had. And don't people want babies so that they can give a kid a BETTER life than they had?

I can't really come up with any good reason as to why I want kids, other than - I want them before I'm too old to have them. And, I want someone to put me in a good nursing home when I'm too old to even remember my own name. That's all I can come up with. Pretty pathetic, huh? Maybe that's why I'm not pregnant yet - because I can't even figure out a good reason to be!

But then I start thinking about stuff like... why me. There's not a single un-fertile person in my whole entire family, why ME? Because I'm the one who doesn't really believe in God? Because I'm the one who's too fat? Because I'm the one who smoked and slept with guys? Because I'm the one who always hated myself? Because I'm the one who can't come up with ONE good reason as to why I even want this so badly?!?! This THING that's driving me SO. FUCKING. CRAZY.?!!??!

*sigh*

I have other things to focus on. Like my interview tomorrow, at Pier 1. I want a seasonal job, just a few hours on the weekends. Just some extra money so that I can afford to get the kittens de-sexed and de-clawed. And it wouldn't help to have some extra Xmas money either. Also, I applied for a promotion at work. My boss, my lovely favorite boss, is moving to another department in order to have a day shift position, so her job is up for grabs. Only one other person applied for it besides me, and that's my coworker Brenda whom I adore. We were assigned to write a "short paper" citing one major issue within our department and what steps we would take to fix it. Brenda and I were talking about it today and she hasn't written hers yet. (I submitted mine today - the deadline is Wednesday.) She made a joke about how she just shouldn't even bother and then I would automatically get the job. I was like, "what?!" Apparently the manager told our boss that if one of us doesn't submit a paper, the other person will get the job by default. So obviously they're not even looking at someone outside the company. BONUS!!! Either way, I win... either I get the job or I get Brenda as a boss. *happy dance* Awesome.

I lost my phone this weeked, because I suck. I bought a new one on eBay today so hopefully it gets here quickly. I'm dying without it. When I finally smartened up enough to call and check my voice mail, my voice mail box was full. I had the msg from Pier 1 and that's when I called them back today to set up the interview. I also got a msg today from BP, where I half-jokingly put in an application a couple of weeks ago. But I gotta tell ya, I LOVED working in a gas station years ago. This BP has a Subway in it - yum! - so I'd go home every night stinking like sammiches - yuck! And you have to wear that stupid BP polo. But, I'll call the guy back. I think Pier 1 would be more flexible and understanding about "seasonal" help, whereas with BP I'd just have to up and quit in a few months, but still. I'll see.

Alright well I've sufficiently wasted enough time. Now it's almost time to go punch out. Thanks for listening to my stupid ramble. =P

Disappointment strikes again

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow but I already know the outcome. I took an ovulation predictor test today and it was quite obviously negative. I'm on cycle day 13. I don't think Clomid worked, again.

As prepared as I was for the let down, I still can't believe how much it stings. I want a baby, dammit! I want my baby, OUR baby. *temper tantrum*

This isn't helping. And it's probably not very healthy.

Everything's fine

That's how it went at my dr's appointment. (I couldn't think of a title for this entry, can you tell??) Yeah so everything looked good. Hurrah. Now I just have to settle my nervous stomach about Monday, when I go in for an ultrasound to see if Clomid worked for me this time. UGH, issues!!

Okay I feel funny because I think Fuzz is reading over my shoulder, so off I go to beddy-bye-land now.

Almost 3am and I still can't sleep

Not that that's any surprise... I normally don't go to bed for another hour or so. Unless I'm really tired. But I suppose you don't care to read about my sleeping habits, hmm?

Tomorrow's the... "big day." My HSG and Fuzz's SA. For those of you who don't know what those letters stand for, don't hold your breath. I won't get into explinations. Just know that I'm a little apprehensive.

I took my last dose of Clomid today. Monday is another big day, where I have an ultrasound to determine whether or not it actually works this time.

Honestly... I don't think I'll mind if it doesn't work this time around. I'm expecting it not to, really. I'm too heavy. So that's why, if I'm not pregnant this time around, I'm going to take a couple of months off from TTC and work on ME. Alicia and I had a nice talk tonight and after she has the baby - her due date is very close to my testing date - that we'll start Weight Watchers together. Yay! I believe she'll really stick with it with me, too, unlike Angela and Karen who are always so gung-ho about doing it with me and then nothing ever comes of it. I'm pretty excited. Weight Watchers was a good diet for me and the only reason why I stopped is because I misplaced the books when we moved. I found them recently, however, so it's time to start up again! I'm really looking forward to it. So, we'll see what happens.

Well everyone's sleeping and I have to get up in roughly 8 hrs so I guess I should be off. Byebye.

I shouldn't have done it

LOL... yes, BFN (Big Fat Negative) as expected. Ah, well. I get to start taking clomid again on Saturday. *crosses fingers* Wish me luck this time around. I think I've already thought of a cute clever way to break the news over Thanksgiving if I am, in fact, pregnant by then. If I'm not pregnant thanks to this round of Clomid, I'm taking a couple months off. In that time, I'm debating having gastric bypass surgery done, if my insurance covers it. I'm really scared, but I also want to lose a lot of weight. I'm sure I'd qualify. And it would help me get knocked up in the long run. I haven't discussed this with Fuzz yet. I'll see what he says. I just want some advice, mind you - I don't have a controlling husband or anything.

I'm at work and should probably get back. Eh. I should probably get back to finding a new job, actually! Stupid job. We were supposed to get raises in August - now we MIGHT get them in a week, if we're lucky. They're changing our benefits on us to newer, crappier benefits. ICK. This place sucks. And I have bad cramps. That equals, bad mood. Grr.

I'm grumpy.

I'm gonna do it!

And you can't stop me!

Perhaps I should give a little backgound on myself before preceding. It's extremely late (early?) here right now and I need sleep desperately, even if only to escape the loud snores coming from my husband as I type this.

Here goes.

I am 26 years old - just turned last week. I've been married for a little over a year. We have a puppy and two kittens that I got on a whim for my birthday. There's still a little hole in our hearts though. Just one tiny missing piece.

We live in a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio. We have some great friends, and a supporting, loving family. We both work hard and don't make a ton of money, but we're alright. We're happy with each other.

But we'd be happier with a baby.

Everyone around me is getting pregnant and having kids. Isn't that just the way it goes when you make the life-altering decision to start trying to conceive (TTC)?? My husband and I have been trying for about 6 months now. I'm broken - I don't ovulate - so I have to take Clomid in order for us to have a shot. It didn't work last month, so we're trying it a second time this cycle, at a higher dosage.

So here's what I'm gonna do tho. The past week or so I've been having funny "symptoms." Now first of all, I took a home pregnancy test 10 days ago, becuase I had to make sure I was not pregnant in order to start taking Provera, which jump-starts my Aunt Flo, which I need in order to start taking Clomid. So, the stuff I'm experiencing could be due to the Provera, or ... you know. (Don't want to jiinx it!) I've taken Provera a few times in the past and never felt some of the things I've been feeling this week. So, I'm taking a test tomorrow morning. I already know that it's going to be a big fat waste of money, but I just have to know. Taking Provera while pregnant can result in birth defects, so just in case, I'd like to find out sooner rather than later. Even though I know that IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! I'm broken, I don't work!!

Well it's getting later by the minute (..??) so I really need to get to sleep. It's so freezing in my room, I can't wait to cuddle up to Snoring Husband and wrap myself up in the down comforter we got for getting married (thank you, bridal shower) and fall fast asleep, only to wake up to the weekend! Good times.

I'll keep you all posted... even though you don't know me very well yet, I'm sure you're all very excited for me.



Right?



...Hello?



Nevermind. 'Nite.

Hello All

Alright well I'm new to this, obviously, and I'll be late for work if I play around too much right now. So, hello. Thanks for visiting. =)