Ugh, I suck... lol

I'm sitting at work, wasting away the last 20 minutes of the evening... and I am seriously depressing myself for no good reason at all!

I totally meant to go to my dr's appointment today... um... but I didn't. I slept in instead. I stretched out and puffed up the comforter on top of me and slept and slept. What a loser I am! Anyway, after being threatened my by internet friend Stephanie to reschedule, I did so for tomorrow morning. I vow to go to bed early tonight and wake up fresh and invigorated tomorrow morning for my appointment. I know I'm just setting myself up for disappointment though.

Which brings us to why I'm depressing myself today. I'm just sitting here thinking about everything... I know I'll get bad news tomorrow. Which is why I didn't go today. I don't want bad news any more. I'm sick of bad news. Bad news STINKS. So I avoided bad news today. But then Stephanie yelled at me. So I will get bad news tomorrow.

So I've been thinking about this tonight. And wondering... why do I even want a baby? My life's pretty good at the moment, fairly full. Two new kittens, a bad house-peeing puppy, a filthy husband who keeps me busy cleaning up after him, a full-time job, the occasional college course, Sunday dinner with my parents, and a drunk gay guy who frequently crashes on my couch. That's a lot of *stuff*. Why do I need a baby? So that I can wake up in the middle of the night to banchee screams? Only to have my nipple chewed off in order to appease the screamer? Or get my hands dirty with poopie and puke? Am I really so selfish that I can't feel complete until I have a mini-ME running around polluting this world? How awful of me. I can't even properly care for a child. Fuzz and I don't have enough money to give a baby the kind of life I had. And don't people want babies so that they can give a kid a BETTER life than they had?

I can't really come up with any good reason as to why I want kids, other than - I want them before I'm too old to have them. And, I want someone to put me in a good nursing home when I'm too old to even remember my own name. That's all I can come up with. Pretty pathetic, huh? Maybe that's why I'm not pregnant yet - because I can't even figure out a good reason to be!

But then I start thinking about stuff like... why me. There's not a single un-fertile person in my whole entire family, why ME? Because I'm the one who doesn't really believe in God? Because I'm the one who's too fat? Because I'm the one who smoked and slept with guys? Because I'm the one who always hated myself? Because I'm the one who can't come up with ONE good reason as to why I even want this so badly?!?! This THING that's driving me SO. FUCKING. CRAZY.?!!??!

*sigh*

I have other things to focus on. Like my interview tomorrow, at Pier 1. I want a seasonal job, just a few hours on the weekends. Just some extra money so that I can afford to get the kittens de-sexed and de-clawed. And it wouldn't help to have some extra Xmas money either. Also, I applied for a promotion at work. My boss, my lovely favorite boss, is moving to another department in order to have a day shift position, so her job is up for grabs. Only one other person applied for it besides me, and that's my coworker Brenda whom I adore. We were assigned to write a "short paper" citing one major issue within our department and what steps we would take to fix it. Brenda and I were talking about it today and she hasn't written hers yet. (I submitted mine today - the deadline is Wednesday.) She made a joke about how she just shouldn't even bother and then I would automatically get the job. I was like, "what?!" Apparently the manager told our boss that if one of us doesn't submit a paper, the other person will get the job by default. So obviously they're not even looking at someone outside the company. BONUS!!! Either way, I win... either I get the job or I get Brenda as a boss. *happy dance* Awesome.

I lost my phone this weeked, because I suck. I bought a new one on eBay today so hopefully it gets here quickly. I'm dying without it. When I finally smartened up enough to call and check my voice mail, my voice mail box was full. I had the msg from Pier 1 and that's when I called them back today to set up the interview. I also got a msg today from BP, where I half-jokingly put in an application a couple of weeks ago. But I gotta tell ya, I LOVED working in a gas station years ago. This BP has a Subway in it - yum! - so I'd go home every night stinking like sammiches - yuck! And you have to wear that stupid BP polo. But, I'll call the guy back. I think Pier 1 would be more flexible and understanding about "seasonal" help, whereas with BP I'd just have to up and quit in a few months, but still. I'll see.

Alright well I've sufficiently wasted enough time. Now it's almost time to go punch out. Thanks for listening to my stupid ramble. =P