Rock Bottom again!

Disclaimer: I know it always seems like I'm constantly BITCHING in these blogs of mine. But that's because I put the fluffy light crap in my MySpace blog and I put the icky nasty crap over here. Why, you ask? Because there's just some things that I don't want all my friends to know. And my non-friends who also read my blog.



So, yeah. Things are shitty!!! What else is new. Goodness gracious, where to start...

First of all, Acxiom blows super big donkey dick. I contacted HR a zillion times over the past few months. It took ages for them to get back to me, then it was like "oh, you have to apply through our website if you're interested in returning." Um. Okay, that's fine, but why the fuck couldn't you tell me that weeks ago, when I FIRST emailed you and heard NOTHING??!?!! In the meantime, my former coworkers are asking HR about me and HR says she needs to discuss it with my former boss. Also fine, but geeze, could you keep ME informed??? I had to hear this third-party! Anyway, so I apply online. I email at least twice to make sure they got my resume and all that jazz. The last time I emailed I was sure to include that I "heard" that there were some open positions in the online department. I got a prompt reply - saying that while they appreciate that I'd like to return, Acxiom does not hire those who deemed ineligible for re-hire.

And. I. Go. Batshit. Crazy.

What THE fuck!!!! You couldn't tell me this MONTHS ago?!?!!!!! First of all, what the FUCK did I do to be ineligible to be rehired? I obviously wasn't fired, so ... WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!! Secondly, once again, you couldn't tell me this, oh, the first dozen or so times I contact you? You had me reapply and wait and wait and wait and wait when you KNEW I wouldn't be called or get the job or anything?!?!?!! That is such BULLSHIT!!! Third, if this is about my attendance, I've explained that it was medical and I was in the process of having my Dr fill out paperwork for me at the time that I resigned. I could get that paperwork and submit it to Acxiom, but what's the point? Why fight to work at a place where I'm so clearly unwanted? Anyway, i wrote HR back and asked why I was ineligible. I never got a straight answer, just an implication that yes it was about my attendance. So I wrote back and told her that she wasted my time by having me apply for a job she knew I'd never get when she could have easily told me this shit months ago.

I was so pissed.

Let's see, what else is pissing me off...

Clomid didn't work again. I took 250-freakin-mgs and it didn't work. They thought I was responding at first, just slowly, but apparently I never did. Now here's what bugs me. I had two follicles that appeared to be growing. I went for another ultrasound a few days later and I had one that hadn't grew. Um okay so what happened to the other one??? No one has ever told me. So I'm wondering if maybe I O'ed on my own, right. My dr tells me, you didn't respond, so you can take Provera again and then a month of birth control pills and then you can either take Clomid again or take a combonation of Clomid and injectables. Well, fuck, cuz I can't afford the injectables. And why bother trying Clomid again if it won't work? I might as well just save myself two months' of shit and flush $100 down the toilet right now.

Anyway, then I get my period all by myself, about a week after my last ultrasound. Did I ovulate? Did I not? WTF happened??? No one is giving me straight answers. I told my dr about this and she said she would check my progesterone levels from my last blood test... she hasn't gotten back to me since. I also emailed her with some questions and she told me to schedule a consultation so that I could ask my questions or whatever. So I called and she's not available until July 11th. (At the time I called, this was nearly 6 weeks away. UGH.) That's a whole new cycle so I said forget it and didn't schedule anything. ALSO, I'm running out of my pills at this time and I have no refills left, and the pharmacy tells me I need my Dr to call in and approve a new prescription or some junk. So I email my dr about this and she's all "well that's fine but just so you know, my nurse usually handles these things" but she said she'd call it in. So I feel like an ass and I apologize and explain that I emailed her because of the wording my pharmacy used - I just assumed I needed to contact my dr directly. Anyhoo, so I go a day without my pills and then have Fuzz swing by the pharmacy on his way home from work. Wonder of wonders, wouldnt you know it - my dr never called in my prescription. >=( I called the pharmacy renewal line so as not to bother my dr again and the recording said it would be up to 2 or 3 working days for my prescription to get there.

Okay... great. I decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to take this month off to think and figure out what I wanted to do. I took Fertility Blend, which is just a vitamin supplement - even though my dr told me not to take Vitex, and I'm not telling her I took FB - so we'll see what happens with that. But I am pretty sure it won't do shit since I'm going days without my Metformin. Not that I would know if it worked or not because I don't have the money to buy OPKs, I forgot to temp, and I can't check my CM to save my life. So, this month is a bust by choice, I suppose.

To top it all off, I got paperwork from my insurance company saying that there's a stack of things they aren't covering. Alllllll my ultrasounds and bloodwork from last cycle - which were a TON cuz they thought I was having a long, drawn-out cycle - isn't being covered by my insurance because the dr's office billed it as treatment for infertility. WHAT. THE. FUCK. First of all, my last insurance covered these things and I'm pretty damn sure they didn't cover infertility treatments because my Clomid wasn't covered. So either Anthem SUCKS BALLS or my dr's office just up and decided to code my stuff as infertility now. GREAT. So now I have to make a million phone calls and figure out what's going on and see if they can rebill it as something else so that I don't have to pay. If they don't, however, I'm stuck with hundreds of dollars of dr's bills. I'm already having issues because the ER I went to the night of the miscarriage is apparently trying to collect $300+ from me. Why??? I have INSURANCE!!

The moral of the story... it looks like we're going to have to quit. I simply can't afford to pay for these ultrasounds and stuff (which, by the way, if they were going to bill it as something that wasn't covered by my insurance, why the hell wouldn't they TELL me so that I could make a choice as to whether I wanted it or not???)... I also can't afford the injections and all these bills are piling up, all thanks to my wanting to get pregnant. It's absolutely ridiculous.

The ONLY shred of hope I have is that Fuzz's insurance will be kick-fucking-ass when it does finally kick in. I've been bugging him to bring home some sort of handbook or something so that I can go over what's covered and figure out what I'm going to do, but he's a dumbass and keeps forgetting. SIGH.

I have a therapy session tomorrow. Looks like I REALLY need it.

In addition to all of this shit, I have a personal issue to deal with as well. This guy - let's call him Mike - that I have known for years is propositioning me lately. He's always been a little flirty over IM and stuff, no biggie, it made me feel nice but I also felt like kind of a dick. So I told Fuzz about it and I told Fuzz that I really just need him to pay a little more attention to me, treat me nice and tell me nice things and all that jazz because apparently I'm lacking that from him, thus, I'm allowing it to come from elsewhere. He seemed understanding and not at all mad. But nothing has changed. A couple of weeks go by without me hearing from Mike, then he IM's me again one day. I figured, no harm no foul if we're just talking and Fuzz knows about it. But we end up having this weird, funny conversation and then it turns into... something else, I don't know. Not like cyber sex (EW) just very very heavily flirtatious. Basically he tells me he'd love to have sex with me. Wowzas. Keep in mind he's in a serious relationship and he says he loves his girlfriend and she's The One but that their sex life sucks. So he tells me, let's hang out on Thursday. Although he uses more suggestive wording than that. Before this, I had given him my cell phone number in case he wanted to text me or whatever. I love texting. He hasn't yet, but he said he's thought about it. Now I super regret giving him my phone number.

Anyway, I tell Fuzz about this a little bit. I told him it got me thinking about him and me and us and everything. Something is seriously lacking in my marriage, and that is a very scary thought. It's not that I don't love him, I do, VERY much, it's just that there's certain things I hate that I'm not sure if I can get over and there's certain things he doesn't give me that I'm not sure I can live without. I just don't knwo what to do, because I can talk to Fuzz until I'm blue in the face and he'll be all "I understand baby, I'm sorry" and then the next day, it's like we never had the conversation. It's weird.

I told Mike about how Fuzz and I have been TTC for the longest time and about my miscarriage and stuff. He said "babies don't fix things." Asshole. I knew he'd say that, I KNEW IT. That's not why I want a baby. That's not why WE want a baby. We are baby-type people. Bottom line. I want to be a mother. Fuzz wants to be a father. We want a child together. There are no ulterior motives. Jackass.

So there's my life currently. I'm still looking for jobs and doing my schoolwork. My unemployment runs out in just two months and I start school probably in 2 1/2 months. So I need to get crackin on my schoolwork. I'm about halfway through the course. I figure if I super bust my ass, I can get it done by the very start of August. In the mean time, I want a part-time job, OR an at-home medical transcription job (yeah, right) by the time school starts. I want to completely devote myself to school. I want to get done as quickly as I can. I fully intend on taking summer courses. I like summer courses, actually. You usually do wayyyy less work since it's packed into just a few weeks. LOL. And you get the same credit for it as you would a full semester course! Unbelievable. Anyway. That's my plan. I'm hoping to graduate in ummmm... maybe 2 years from now? I think that's like six semesters away, which is technically 3 years. Okay so maybe I'll be done in 2 and a half years. Since they don't offer tons of classes over the summer. Three years TOPS. So, before I'm 30, I will OFFICIALLY be a college graduate. (Fuck, THIRTY?!?!?!!!!! Can you believe that!!!?!??!?!!! I'M SO OOOOLD.)

I am fully aware that I have a potty mouth tonite. I am also fully aware that I have typed all of this in about 15 minutes so my fingers are about to fall off. So, goodnight.