Un-mother's day

Today was really hard. I woke up thinking of nothing but my baby's heartbeat. I struggle to deciepher that fine line that seperates mothers from non-mothers. What the fuck am I?

I feel as though everyone forgot about me today. No one remembered that I was once a mother. Or whatever I was. Whatever I was.... I had a beating heart inside of me. I did. No one can deny that.

I just want my baby. I want to be pregnant and give birth and have a baby and be a mother. I honestly don't think I can be fulfilled without it. I just can't wait until my appointment with a counselor next week. I really hope it helps.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't want to go. Mainly because I don't want to know the truth. I don't want to hear them tell me that it isn't working, that I have no other options that I can afford. Stephanie is optimistic - well, more like hopeful - for me, and it's nice that she's rooting for me, but I just know that it will not be good news.

I don't think I will ever be pregnant. At least, not for a very, very long time. Very long.

Today was so hard. And no one cared. Except Stephanie, because she felt the same way, which is a damn shame.