Just... crushed.
I really can't take this any more.
I finished my Clomid last week and had a dr's appointment this morning to see if it's working. There really isn't any reason why it shouldn't be, as this dosage obviously worked rather well last time. But, it isn't. I don't know why but it isn't. I don't know what to do. I'm just in a panic.
I'm so tired of disappointment. I can't stand to have my heart break any more. I've decided to give up TTC, at least for now. I'm going to work on myself and lose some weight and get my schoolwork done, etc. Get all of that together, save up some money, and THEN try to conceive. I just can't anymore. I'm just spent.
I'm so sad. I don't know how else to put it. I'm just so, so sad. My heart just hurts. I feel like I had my shot at having a baby and I ruined it. I feel like everything is my fault. And seeing as how Fuzz is fine, that's exactly the situation. Every day I miss and grieve for this baby that never was, and the one that was but never made it. Every day I beat myself up. Every day I find myself aching at the thought of everyone around me venturing into motherhood. Every day I feel sick with jealousy and sadness. Every day I hurt. Every day.
It's been a year and I just can't do it any more. A year is a very long time to devote to something you'll never have. A year is a long time to allow yourself to be disappointed over and over and over and OVER again.
I really feel like I'm suffocating here. I feel that this has consumed me. I'm tired of panicking, and I'm tired of worrying about every teeny tiny itty bitty thing that goes on with my body, all for no reason at all. I'm tired of getting my hopes up or just simply being optimistic, only to be so let down every single time. I'm just so tired. I'm just so so tired of it all.
Why can't this be easier? I never thought this would be me, never. It's like I'm in a really bad dream and just can't wake up. I've wasted a year doing nothing but try to get pregnant. I've already given so much of my life for this baby, and there is no baby to make sacrifices for.
I hate myself for not working. I hate myself for being fat and not doing anything about it.
I just need a break. I need something. I don't know. I just need this to be over.
posted by Heather @ 10:06 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Heather,
My name is Janelle. I have PCOS and I was searching online about clomid. I've just finished taking my 3rd cycle with no result. Last April, I lost my pregnancy at 5 months due to a incomplete cervix, and then I miscarried another pregnancy at 5 weeks, 3 months later. Now, trying to get pregnant is driving me nuts. I'm so sad, and I feel like I don't have anyone in the world to talk to. Everyone seems to act like I should just get over it. Everyone around me is having babies and becoming new mothers, and I can't get pregnant. Just reading your blog made me feel like I wasn't alone. I know your pain, I know that you cry alone. We are not alone. I keep thinking I'll just put my mind on something else, like trying to lose weight and school, but it always comes back to wanting so much to have a baby. I don't know what to do, sometimes I just want to scream!!!!!
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