Just... crushed.

I really can't take this any more.

I finished my Clomid last week and had a dr's appointment this morning to see if it's working. There really isn't any reason why it shouldn't be, as this dosage obviously worked rather well last time. But, it isn't. I don't know why but it isn't. I don't know what to do. I'm just in a panic.

I'm so tired of disappointment. I can't stand to have my heart break any more. I've decided to give up TTC, at least for now. I'm going to work on myself and lose some weight and get my schoolwork done, etc. Get all of that together, save up some money, and THEN try to conceive. I just can't anymore. I'm just spent.

I'm so sad. I don't know how else to put it. I'm just so, so sad. My heart just hurts. I feel like I had my shot at having a baby and I ruined it. I feel like everything is my fault. And seeing as how Fuzz is fine, that's exactly the situation. Every day I miss and grieve for this baby that never was, and the one that was but never made it. Every day I beat myself up. Every day I find myself aching at the thought of everyone around me venturing into motherhood. Every day I feel sick with jealousy and sadness. Every day I hurt. Every day.

It's been a year and I just can't do it any more. A year is a very long time to devote to something you'll never have. A year is a long time to allow yourself to be disappointed over and over and over and OVER again.

I really feel like I'm suffocating here. I feel that this has consumed me. I'm tired of panicking, and I'm tired of worrying about every teeny tiny itty bitty thing that goes on with my body, all for no reason at all. I'm tired of getting my hopes up or just simply being optimistic, only to be so let down every single time. I'm just so tired. I'm just so so tired of it all.

Why can't this be easier? I never thought this would be me, never. It's like I'm in a really bad dream and just can't wake up. I've wasted a year doing nothing but try to get pregnant. I've already given so much of my life for this baby, and there is no baby to make sacrifices for.

I hate myself for not working. I hate myself for being fat and not doing anything about it.

I just need a break. I need something. I don't know. I just need this to be over.

Stupid boys.

Okay, so a few years ago I was in broadcasting school. Our class was pretty small, maybe 30 of us together for about 10 months. I was single at the time and formed a pretty decent-sized crush on this boy Zach. We were friends and all, and one day when we were chatting on AIM, I told him that I liked him. He responded by talking about the weather. I'm used to rejection since I'm not exactly pretty, but I was still upset. I couldn't face him in school afterwards and he said things to a mutual friend of ours about how that upset him because he still wanted to be friends with me.

While all of this was going on, I was actually friends with my future husband. It wasn't long after Zach shot me down that Fuzz and I started dating. Just a couple of months later we were engaged. Zach was really happy for me when he found out. We got past all the stupid junk and were friends for the remainder of the school year.

So now it's been a couple of years since graduation and I haven't been in touch with Zach since school was over. Then MySpace came into my life. Ahh, MySpace. I knew if anyone would be on there, it would be Zach. So I looked him up a couple of weeks ago and lo and behold, there he was. I sent him a friend request as well as a message simply saying "Remember me??" He read the message, but never responded - and he did not add me to his friends.

What gives???? I am really hurt that he would act like that. Please keep in mind that I'm 26 years old, happily married and have been for over a year and a half, we have a house and pets together and are trying for a baby, blah blah blah, so this has nothing to do with still crushing on some guy. The truth is, I really thought Zach and I could be close friends back in the day and I'd like to be able to have that with him. So it just kind of stung that he just ignored me like that.

Should I send him another message? Or just forget it?

I'm sorry, I know this sounds so pathetic, but I'm really a quite sensitive person who gets her feelings hurt easily LOL... I was about to post this question on a forum i visit often, but the people there can be ruthless and I don't want anyone to think I'm any less than completely devoted to my marriage and my husband. I would feel this way no matter who Zach was.

Ahhhh whatever.

Quick life update:

- I'm on my second-to-last day of Clomid. Woot. Gotta BD lots next week and keep our fingers crossed for quite a while.
- Still no job. Still doing the school thing. Thankfully Charlie is getting much better in regards to potty training *knock on wood* so it's a little easier for me to have time to myself.
- ummmm yeah that's about it.

Wow, it's been a while

Sorry, blog... I've been having a little love affair with MySpace. But you know I can't forget about you.

Anyway. Surprisingly - or maybe, not surprisingly? - not much has changed. Still unemployed, but I'm taking courses online in medical transcription. Fuzz is doing well at his new job. My unemployment is finally being approved. So that's good. And now we're nearly to the point where we can try to get pregnant again. Things are looking up.

I've gotten extremely close to Stephanie now, as well as this other girl from BNW named Heather. Oddly enough, they live about a town apart from one another, so I've got to find a way to get my ass down to South Carolina and hang with them.

Oh, and we got a new puppy. Argh, we are retarded. He's a baby Golden Retreiver, 3 months old, named Charlie. Skiba looooooooooves him. They play SO much. But I think Skiba still has some of that spoiled only-child mentality ... he gets very protective of his "things" when Charlie appears interested in whatever he has. So Skiba doesn't mind much when Charlie is locked up. But he does love to wrestle with him when he's out.

Anyway, that's about it....... I'll update more soon. Promise. ;)