I'm doing this because I have to.

Okay so.. for some reason I just feel like crying. It's all the baby stuff coming back again.

If I were to have a normal cycle for once (hahahaa yeah right) I would be due for my period any day now. I'm having weird little crampies today. Every tiny thing I feel I think "ooh! could be pregnant!" But of course I'm not. I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment, as usual.

I did the math today and realized that for the amount I want for my student loan, it'll be just enough for two semesters of school, some courses over the summer, all of our bills, and a little padding in our savings. With none leftover for TTC. I suppose that once I get the money, I can try the clomid + injections, but if that doesn't work, I'm totally screwed. Unless Fuzz's insurance covers stuff, which I'm not holding my breath about.

It's starting to get to me again. I've been feeling pretty good lately, optimistic even. Maybe it's because I'm about to take a test and I'm panicking that the herbal stuff I took didn't work. (Which of course it didn't because I'm way too far broken.) Ugh. I always know in my head that I'm not pregnant, I'm definitely broken, and it'll take way more than I have to fix it. But my heart is what plays tricks on me, because deep in my heart, I want to be a mommy more than I want anything at all.