Goodbye, Peanut

I lost the baby on Monday.

Sunday I had some weird pink staining. I didn't think too much of it until it had lasted for about 7 hours. I called the dr's answering service which paged the dr on call. She told me to come in for an ultrasound on Monday. Monday afternoon, I was exactly 6 weeks pregnant and saw my baby's heartbeat. Monday night my bleeding got worse and I ended up in the ER. As soon as I got home from the hospital, I passed what was left of my baby. I've been on bedrest ever since and I think I'm supposed to be on it until 2/14 or until the bleeding stops.

I've never gone through something this awful, never in my life. Everything I've experienced before that I thought was terrible was nothing compared to this. Nothing. I want my baby. I miss my baby so much. How can something be alive, have a beating heart, and then 12 hours later be flushed away? With no warning? I cannot wrap my head around that, I cannot accept that.

These have been the hardest 4 days of my life. I can hardly move without ending up with cramps. There are moments when I forget and think I'm just on my period and then I remember with a terrible shock. There are times when I can think of nothing else but the baby I thought I would one day be able to hold in my arms. Today I was watching Will and Grace and Grace is pregnant... the last words of the show were "I'm not sick. I'm pregnant." My exact words to Fuzz the day I took the test.

I seriously can't handle this. I want to try again as soon as we can, but then sometimes I think, I just can't go through this again. What if it happens again? I don't even know if I could handle that without completely losing my mind. I am seriously a wreck.

I just don't understand why. I get so angry sometimes. Why me? Why? Why after I saw the heartbeat? Why, after we wanted and loved this baby SO much? He was going to be my birthday baby. My due date had been moved to October 2nd, 2 days after my birthday. I know I said I didn't want to have the baby on my birthday, but honestly I really couldn't care less. I just want my baby. I want my baby back. I want to wake up and be pregnant again. I want my baby. I don't understand why he's gone.

I just want him back.