Un-mother's day

Today was really hard. I woke up thinking of nothing but my baby's heartbeat. I struggle to deciepher that fine line that seperates mothers from non-mothers. What the fuck am I?

I feel as though everyone forgot about me today. No one remembered that I was once a mother. Or whatever I was. Whatever I was.... I had a beating heart inside of me. I did. No one can deny that.

I just want my baby. I want to be pregnant and give birth and have a baby and be a mother. I honestly don't think I can be fulfilled without it. I just can't wait until my appointment with a counselor next week. I really hope it helps.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I don't want to go. Mainly because I don't want to know the truth. I don't want to hear them tell me that it isn't working, that I have no other options that I can afford. Stephanie is optimistic - well, more like hopeful - for me, and it's nice that she's rooting for me, but I just know that it will not be good news.

I don't think I will ever be pregnant. At least, not for a very, very long time. Very long.

Today was so hard. And no one cared. Except Stephanie, because she felt the same way, which is a damn shame.

Life just sucks.

I really truly hate TTC. Really. And truly.

I've recently finished my second round of Clomid since the miscarriage. And once again, nada. Even after taking a month of birth control again and upping the dosage to 250mgs a day... nothing. NOTHING.

I can't even explain how crushed I am. We can't afford other expensive fertility treatments - we can barely afford Clomid. I realized today that I have to learn to accept the fact that I may never have children. But I can't even express what that does to me inside. I can't even think about it long enough to accept it because it makes me so sick and sad inside that I honestly can't handle it.

I feel like I fucked up our one and only shot at having a baby. I took baths, I used a heating pad on my belly because of the cramps, I had sex, I took medicine before I knew I was pregnant, I didn't eat healthy enough.... It's all my fault. I can't understand why on earth I won't ovulate again. I don't understand it at all. How can I get pregnant on one kind of treatment and then completely not respond to the same treatment a second time just a couple months later?

I'm going to spend the summer dieting and exercising and genuinely trying to lose weight. Hopefully we can try again after that, but we really can't afford to keep wasting money on stuff that does absolutely nothing.

I wish I could say that I was completely fulfilled with my life as is - my husband, our pets, our home, our few but good friends, our family. But I can't say that. I will never be completely fulfilled until I have a child. I need to experience pregnancy and childbirth and being a mother, I need it so badly. I'm a woman, women ovulate, why am I not working right? Maybe I'm being punished for my lack of faith in God. Maybe I'm being punished for all the really horrible, disgusting, awful, evil things I've done in my life. Maybe my guilt over those things isn't enough, and for that, I must suffer this way. Maybe I just don't deserve to have children. Someone said that to me once, believe it or not. Maybe that fucking bitch was right.

I feel bad, I know Stephanie wants me to be optimistic and think positively but there's really nothing to be even remotely positive about right now. She has been such an incredible friend, she spent a good part of her day off IM'ing me links to grants and clinical studies and other ways to get cheap or free fertility treatments. I appreciate it - and her - more than I could ever say. It's so unbelieveable that I've made such an amazing and caring friend whom I've never even met face-to-face. Then again, this is how it was with Kylie when we were only 16 years old and look at us now. ha. Steph can be the Kylie of my 20's I guess. But honestly, it's so incredible to know that she's really there for me, that she really cares about me, and that she - unfortunately - knows what I'm going through. I've decided that since we apparently need to take some time off from TTC, I should go visit her and Heather. It'll be hotter than a mofo down in SC this summer, but if I can make it down in early to mid- June, it might be bearable. And that gives me a month to use my treadmill and go swimming and eat well and hopefully drop a few pounds before I meet Steph and Heather.

Okay well I feel a little better thinking about that... but probably only because my mind has been taken off of my barren uterus for a few minutes. <> I wish I could just kill myself and be reincarnated as a fertile woman.