Scared out of my F-ing mind

Okay, it just hit me tonight how freakin scared I am.

I'm scared about money. I'm scared about being a mother. I'm scared about not being prepared (hence the dreams I've been having recently, which closely resemble the dreams before the wedding, when I dreamt I showed up without my veil or something). I'm scared about what the hell to do with a freakin baby. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A BABY?!?!?!

I'm just nervous about everything and I don't want to worry or stress because I'm afraid it's bad for the baby. But every time I wonder if something's bad for the baby, I get MORE worried and stressed. It's just that we both wanted this so badly and now that we've got it... it's like, what the hell do we do with it?? What were we thinking? My tits are sore and my emotions are going crazy and we have so little money saved up and what the HELL were we THINKING?!?

I feel like I was just being very selfish by wanting a baby, something cute to dress up and get attention over. Good lord, I hope those weren't my real intentions. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm seriously panicking I think.

I better get to sleep. It's late and baby makes me tired.

Can't wait till Wednesday!

I am 6 weeks pregnant today. My HCG levels are progressing exactly as they should. And my first ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday! I'm so lucky to have a doctor who is anal and wants to make sure everything's fine before sending me off to an OB, lol. I get to see my peanut! I can't even tell you how excited I am.

Things are going well... same ol same ol. I get new symptoms every few days. It's very strange, being pregnant. Some days I forget I'm pregnant at all... then I touch my boob and remember. Quickly. Yikes.

Everything happens for a reason

I've always said that, always always. And just now, it finally hit me. Why it took us so long to get pregnant.

Fuzz just got a kick-ass new job. Making lots more money, in the union, free health, medical, dental, and vision benefits, and a pension in 20 years. A CAREER, not a job. Just a week or so after I found out that I'm pregnant. Now we have the entire pregnancy to save money, and once the baby comes, we'll have what we need for daycare and diapers. It wouldn't have been this easy if we had gotten pregnant months ago. Everything is just falling into place. I can't believe it.

Alright, oh man, I was going to write a lot more but I'm freakin starving. Gotta go.

Um... perhaps I spoke too soon.

What a week this has been. Things have been SO crazy.

We'll start with the good news that kicked off this week.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it, I'm still in shock... I'm going to be a mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the story:

I had a dr's appointment on January 3rd (another vaginal u/s and blood test, blah blah blah, I was getting sick of them)... it proved that I had ovulated, and I had JUST ovulated (so I'm guessing I O'ed on Jan 2nd). I was excited but nervous. I told hubby though not to expect anything, because this is the first time I've ovulated since we started TTC, and it's so rare that anyone gets it in their first try, you know? So I set myself to get ready to try again next month.

Last week, I think Wednesday, my temperature dipped. I went out with two of my friends that night who had both just had babies and told them that the clomid worked but I wasn't pregnant and we'd be trying again. On Thursday (sorry, TMI) I went potty and there was a spot of blood. Not just a tiny spot but not a lot either. I was sooo depressed, I took a hot bubble bath and told husband that I was getting my period and then started crying. He said not to worry, there's always next month.

Well Friday I braced myself for AF. She never showed, so Friday night I took a test (First Response - my ass!) and it was VERY clearly negative. So I thought to myself, okay if I don't get AF by Sunday morning, I'll take another test with FMU. Which I did. It was also First Response (grr) and also very clearly negative. So I sat back and waited for AF.

On Monday I went to work, blah blah, normal day, had a sandwich for lunch, and about an hour and a half after lunch, my stomach started hurting SOOOO bad. I was getting horrible heartburn or something, it SUCKED. So I actually went home a couple of hours early. I came home, laid in bed, read a book for an hour, got bored. I had posted my question on BNW the day before asking if anyone thought I still had a chance. I was very surprised that everyone had said yes. I had one test left in my bathroom, a digital one that had been sitting there for months. I took it because I figured, if I waste it, oh well, it's old anyway, and I'll buy more tonight. When it stopped flashing, I looked at it and for a second, I couldn't even register what I was seeing. All I saw was the word "pregnant"... i was thinking "where's the NOT?? It's supposed to say NOT!!" And then I stared shaking. And then I stared telling myself, there's no way, there's no way, there's NO WAY. And then I ran around looking for my digital camera to take pictures of it, and kicking myself for testing when my husband was at work.

I called Fuzz at work - he knew I had gone home sick - and I said "babe, I'm not sick." And he goes "you're not sick?" And I said, "no, I'm pregnant" and burst into tears. At first he didn't believe me but I was sobbing so then he was like, "oh my god, why are you telling me this NOW?" cuz he was stuck at work and he told me later that he was about to cry (aww)... I was thinking about driving up to his work to tell him (it's only 10 mins away) but I was shaking way too badly. So after that, I called and emailed all my friends. My parents were on a plane coming back from Vegas so I had to wait a few hours to tell them, then we told his parents when he got off of work. Everyone is SO excited, it's so fun!!!!

Anyway, I'm 4 and a half weeks. I had a blood test and my hcg was only 38 because I had found out I was pregnant SO early, so I have to go back next week for another blood test. If everything is progressing well, I get an ultrasound the week after that. The dr who has been treating me since we started TTC isn't an OB so she wants to make sure everything is fine with me before she sends me off to another dr. Hooray! I get to see my peanut. My husband is like a new man, he is SO happy. We both are. We're just thrilled. My EDD is Sept 25th, just days before my birthday. Yikes! I hope I don't spend my birthday in the hospital, LOL.

Wish me luck. :D

Life isn't fair

Remember when your parents/teachers/bosses used to tell you that? It's so true.

I'm about 99% sure that I'm not pregnant. Which is fine, because at least I know that 200mgs of Clomid is what it takes to make me ovulate, and we can try again next month. And if needed, the month after that, or the month after that.

I'm just really down right now because I started thinking about things (which always gets me into trouble)... and it's like, okay, Melanie is the crappiest person ever and yet SHE got pregnant and had a perfectly healthy baby? And what about Alicia, who was entirely unprepared to be a parent? How come they can have babies but not me, not my friends who have been trying for months or years who have stable incomes and a loving spouse? Why?

And how about adoption? Yes, a couple may be perfectly stable enough to afford a baby but to ADOPT one? Forget it! You've got to have 50 grand lying around in order to contemplate that one. Oh, and years to spare. Just to give a child a good, loving, stable home. A perfectly deserving child.

You know, people wonder why I'm Agnostic, why I can't just simply believe in God. Here's your answer. And I know some people will think, "well, God has a lesson to teach us" or something. What lesson is there to learn here? That no matter how much you try to be a good person, you'll get shit on anyways? That people struggling with their incomes or still in high school can be blessed with the one thing you want, but you can't have it? How does that make ANY sense? That's right. It doesn't.

The fact of the matter is, Life Isn't Fair. It just isn't. If there was a kind and loving and all-knowing God, wouldn't life be a little more fair? Wouldn't people like Martin Luther King Jr. and Laci Peterson still be alive if life was fair, if God was fair?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

So, life isn't fair. It'll be a struggle for me to get pregnant, that is, assuming I ever DO become pregnant. I wonder what it's like? I wonder if it's something that I'll ever get to experience?